Grief at the holidays

While the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Years Day can be a joyous time, many struggle with depression and anxiety during this season due to life changes in the previous year or even years in the past. We may want to push “pause” on the grief process while the holidays are here. Others around us may pressure us to participate in holiday events when we just want to be alone. Sometimes, it may feel awkward to be the only person in a crowd who doesn’t appear joyous and happy because we are thinking of life changes or losses and wondering how to celebrate when we wish we had what we have lost.
Surprisingly, many people have moments of depression and sadness at the holidays. A holiday movie or carol may remind us of previous events that were special, and we miss times gone by or relationships we have lost. Losing a loved one is always difficult, but the first holiday season without that special person can be very difficult and often leads one to just want the world to ignore us while the holiday season passes. One may experience interpersonal conflict because you want to celebrate with the family members who are present, but you may feel conflicted about celebrating when that specific loved one is no longer present – as if it’s wrong to celebrate without that special person.
There are some things you can do to help alleviate the depression and anxiety associated with grief and loss during the holidays. If you have a friend or relative who is experiencing grief during this season, you can be there for that person to support them through this time of year. Here are some tips for managing grief and loss during the holidays:
• Try to participate in some events rather than hiding from the holiday festivities. Feelings often follow action rather than the opposite; remember, you may always leave an event if it becomes too uncomfortable or overwhelming for you.
• Tune into your emotions and respect your feelings. Let friends and family know that you may be emotional and not want to spend a lot of time in a festive atmosphere. If you choose to leave an event early, it’s ok. Acknowledge your feelings and show yourself compassion as you would a good friend.
• Avoid numbing your uncomfortable feelings with alcohol or drug use. Rather, prepare ahead of time for uncomfortable feelings; imagine yourself in certain situations and brainstorm positive ways to manage your feelings that may arise, and have a plan based on the ideas you come up with when you’re not in the middle of an emotional moment.
• Honor traditions that have been longstanding and celebrate good times past with the loved one who is no longer present. Don’t be afraid to discuss the one who is missing. Remember the good times!
• Create new traditions. Consider things that you did with your loved one who is gone and find an activity that you would have enjoyed with that person. If you liked going to see a holiday program together, find a friend to go with you in honor of your loved one who isn’t there anymore. If your loved one liked a particular food at the holidays, you can make that food for a friend or coworker and give it as a gift.
• One sure way to help improve your mood is to volunteer in your community by helping others. It’s almost impossible to be depressed when you are bringing joy to others. Find ways to share your talents and presence in your community with those who need support. You may benefit from your service more than those whom you serve.
Remember, it’s normal to feel anxious about the holidays when our family or social circumstances have changed. It’s also normal to long for good times that have occurred and be sad that things have changed. But, change is always present in this life. Look for ways to help others and honor the memory of those who are no longer with us, because that’s the way to keep their memory alive.
Sandra Walker Nichols, PhD, APRN, FNP-BC, GNP-BC, PMHNP-BC, was raised in Monticello and currently is the Program Director for the Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner Program at Old Dominion University. She is also the owner of the Panacea Behavioral Health & Wellness Center, PLLC, with offices in Florida, Virginia and Arizona.